Saasha vs Time

 I am a chaser. Time and I have been running a race, but I have always emerged victorious. I set goals, add timelines to them, and have somehow managed to achieve my goals before time. I am disciplined, dedicated and hard-working, and that has been my mantra to success. Patience has never been my strong suit. I don't wait for things to happen to me, I make things happen  

So, when my heart broke, I made a game plan to mend it and move on from it. This was going to be a hard one, but my over-achieving self has always found its way to defeat time. So thus began my journey of mending my broken heart.

I started therapy and was the ideal client who religiously did all the homework given by my therapist. I journaled. I wrote a few posts about moving on. I danced and drank my pain away, only for it to come ricocheting back. I travelled endlessly, hoping that in one of my trips I would have a moment when I realize that my heart has healed, but that failed too. I made break-up playlists and sang them at the top of my lungs. I heard songs about being over your ex, trying to fool my heart into believing that I have moved on. I heard songs and read books that made me cry, hoping that one day my tears will dry out. I ran and worked out, with the belief that my self-love will kick-in at some point. I reached out to my friends, shared my sorrow and my fears, eager for any advice that will take this pain away. I distracted myself with work, with boys, with plans, but I failed again and again. I went on dates with some amazing men, and got complimented endlessly, but that did not fill the void in my heart either. I drunk texted people I shouldn’t have; I broke down in the middle of clubs and tried everything I ever knew to get my racing heart to stop.

I am frustrated. I am following all the steps, I am doing all the work, I am disciplined, dedicated, resilient and am working harder than I ever had, just to move on. I am losing time. It has been 3 months and I am yet stuck in the same impasse that I was on day 1. I have used up all my will power, but I am failing. For the first time, after a long time. This helplessness is alien to me. I have realized that amount of effort ≠ result in this pursuit.

Now I am left to the mercy of time, and I am learning to trust it for the first time. I don’t have a timeline on when will I feel like myself again, but I guess that’s okay. I’m being patient, letting go control and having faith that I will heal, when the time is finally right. Although I cannot see it yet, I know things on the other side are brighter, and I can finally put an end to this constant battle with time. 💓